ACTIVE LISTENING
Without a doubt the single most important skill to becoming a better dad is Active Listening. The only way to truly understand the needs, interests, fears and concerns of your child is to listen. Active listening involves comprehending, retaining and responding to what is being said and not getting distracted. All too often in conversations we tend to judge, daydream, butt in or think of what we are going to say next.
When we Actively Listen we;
It requires attentive body language, tuning in to the other person and focusing on what is being said by the way we comprehend, retain and respond. When your child is concerned, through active listening it is possible to identify more clearly the needs that are being expressed. Fundamental needs include the need for physical survival, security, a sense of belonging, to be loved or valued, to have control over one’s life. |
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BLOCKS TO ACTIVE LISTENING
Removing blocks to active listening makes all the difference with this skill. Firstly, you have to be aware that you have blocks. Next time you are in a conversation with your child, monitor yourself.
· Are you tuned in for the complete time they are talking?
· Is there any thought commentary going on in your head?
· Do you have any responses (physical/emotional etc.) as they talk?
· Are you doing more than receiving and retaining what is being said?
Here are the common blocks to Active Listening.
I. DAY DREAMING
Daydreaming is allowing your attention to wander to other events or people. It is a time when you stop listening and drift away into your own fantasies.
II. REHEARSING
Rehearsing is when you are busy thinking about what you are going to say next, so that you never completely hear what the other person is telling you.
III. FILTERING
Filtering is when you listen to certain parts of the conversation, but not all.
IV. JUDGING
Judging is when you have stopped listening to the other person because you have already judged, placed labels, made assumptions about, or stereotyped the other person.
V. DISTRACTIONS
Distraction occurs when your attention is divided by something internal to you (headaches, worry, hunger) or external to you (traffic, whispering, others talking).
Which one of these blocks do you often experience?
· Are you tuned in for the complete time they are talking?
· Is there any thought commentary going on in your head?
· Do you have any responses (physical/emotional etc.) as they talk?
· Are you doing more than receiving and retaining what is being said?
Here are the common blocks to Active Listening.
I. DAY DREAMING
Daydreaming is allowing your attention to wander to other events or people. It is a time when you stop listening and drift away into your own fantasies.
II. REHEARSING
Rehearsing is when you are busy thinking about what you are going to say next, so that you never completely hear what the other person is telling you.
III. FILTERING
Filtering is when you listen to certain parts of the conversation, but not all.
IV. JUDGING
Judging is when you have stopped listening to the other person because you have already judged, placed labels, made assumptions about, or stereotyped the other person.
V. DISTRACTIONS
Distraction occurs when your attention is divided by something internal to you (headaches, worry, hunger) or external to you (traffic, whispering, others talking).
Which one of these blocks do you often experience?
Mastery of Active Listening
Listening is the critical aspect of effective communication. The following four skills will help you become a better listener. They may sound basic but with mindful practice and use you will notice a huge difference in the way you can communicate with your children and others.
PARAPHRASING
In paraphrasing, you restate, in your own words, what you think the other person just said. It shows them you are listening and truly interested in what they are saying. You can use phrases such as;
· “In other words…”
· “What I am hearing you say is….”
REFLECTION OF FEELINGS
In reflection of feelings, you restate what the person has said to you much like paraphrasing. However, in this skill you restate what you think the speaker is feeling. You can use phrases such as;
· “This seems really important to you.”
· “You sound really frustrated about this situation.”
CLARIFICATION
In clarification, you tell the other person what you thought you heard, learn whether you were right or wrong, and then ask questions to clarify. You can use phrases such as;
· “Let me see if I’m clear about this, you feel that…is that right?”
· “So it’s sounds to me as if…is that it?
BODY LANGUAGE
Showing active listening through your body language conveys the message that you are interested and listening, encouraging the speaker to tell you more. Some suggestions for effective body language include the following:
· Maintain eye contact
· Move closer to the person, but do not cross over any personal boundaries
· Nod from time-to-time
· Say things like “I understand” or “uh huh” (minimal encouragers)
· Keep your posture open to the person by keeping your arms unfolded and uncrossed
· Keep distractions to a minimum
These four skills are critical for Active Listening. Practise them daily in all conversations and you will start to notice a shift in what you can now hear and also how people will converse with you, most importantly your family.
PARAPHRASING
In paraphrasing, you restate, in your own words, what you think the other person just said. It shows them you are listening and truly interested in what they are saying. You can use phrases such as;
· “In other words…”
· “What I am hearing you say is….”
REFLECTION OF FEELINGS
In reflection of feelings, you restate what the person has said to you much like paraphrasing. However, in this skill you restate what you think the speaker is feeling. You can use phrases such as;
· “This seems really important to you.”
· “You sound really frustrated about this situation.”
CLARIFICATION
In clarification, you tell the other person what you thought you heard, learn whether you were right or wrong, and then ask questions to clarify. You can use phrases such as;
· “Let me see if I’m clear about this, you feel that…is that right?”
· “So it’s sounds to me as if…is that it?
BODY LANGUAGE
Showing active listening through your body language conveys the message that you are interested and listening, encouraging the speaker to tell you more. Some suggestions for effective body language include the following:
· Maintain eye contact
· Move closer to the person, but do not cross over any personal boundaries
· Nod from time-to-time
· Say things like “I understand” or “uh huh” (minimal encouragers)
· Keep your posture open to the person by keeping your arms unfolded and uncrossed
· Keep distractions to a minimum
These four skills are critical for Active Listening. Practise them daily in all conversations and you will start to notice a shift in what you can now hear and also how people will converse with you, most importantly your family.
References
Robert Bolton (1986)
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts, New York: Simon & Schuster |
Gerard Egan (2009)
The Skilled Helper: 9th Edition Belmont: Thomson Higher Education |
Robert Martin (1983)
A Skills and Strategies Handbook for Working With People, Engelwood Cliffs: Prentice-Hall |
Useful links |