ANGER MANAGEMENT
We've all been on the end of an angry exchange. The heat is rising, tension growing, language and behavior becoming more provocative. You can feel it. This is the sweet spot for acting out regrettable behavior.
Anger is a natural part of the bodies fight or flight response. Generally anger hides fear, hurt, pain or sadness. It occurs when someone is in a state of defense and seldom is it rational, often it is destructive. Meeting anger with anger usually escalates the situation. Physiologically a person in a constant state of anger is ‘living in a constantly tired body.’
Anger is a natural part of the bodies fight or flight response. Generally anger hides fear, hurt, pain or sadness. It occurs when someone is in a state of defense and seldom is it rational, often it is destructive. Meeting anger with anger usually escalates the situation. Physiologically a person in a constant state of anger is ‘living in a constantly tired body.’
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The following steps will help you manage anger more effectively.
strategic steps1. Model the behavior you seek
2. Do not meet anger with anger - breathe 3. Ignore personal attacks and set the example 4. Stay focused on listening and reason 5. Allow time and space for diffusing anger if needed |
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Anger that may see reason
If they are angry, diffuse their anger, focus on the problem and assume their willingness to respond.
Listen even if you don’t like what’s being said.
Use Active Listening to restate their concerns, empathize.
Apologize if you have let them down in anyway.
Do not fight with them, as they cannot fight with you if you refuse to fight with them.
Acknowledge and agree with complaints or criticisms or parts of their statement you can agree with.
Ask Questions to establish the cause of their concern.
State what you can do to help them.
Commit to a course of action you will take.
Summarize the things you will do and any follow-up action you will take.
Check with them to make sure they are satisfied with the action you have suggested.
Listen even if you don’t like what’s being said.
Use Active Listening to restate their concerns, empathize.
Apologize if you have let them down in anyway.
Do not fight with them, as they cannot fight with you if you refuse to fight with them.
Acknowledge and agree with complaints or criticisms or parts of their statement you can agree with.
Ask Questions to establish the cause of their concern.
State what you can do to help them.
Commit to a course of action you will take.
Summarize the things you will do and any follow-up action you will take.
Check with them to make sure they are satisfied with the action you have suggested.
Anger that becomes personal
Verbal or critical attacks should be ignored - focus on the problem.
Ignore any comments that are made intentionally to degrade or insult you.
Remind yourself that their anger is not directed at you personally.
Tell yourself to stay calm and reasonable, knowing that you can handle it.
Direct their attention to what their problem is and what they would like you to do about it.
Ask them if they would like to resolve the problem. If not, leave it. If so, move to the conflict management strategy.
Ignore any comments that are made intentionally to degrade or insult you.
Remind yourself that their anger is not directed at you personally.
Tell yourself to stay calm and reasonable, knowing that you can handle it.
Direct their attention to what their problem is and what they would like you to do about it.
Ask them if they would like to resolve the problem. If not, leave it. If so, move to the conflict management strategy.
For more in depth information on this and other topics, check out the membership page.
References
 
Robert Bolton (1986)
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts, New York: Simon & Schuster |
 
Daniel Goleman (1995)
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, New York: Bantam |
 
Thomas Harbin (2008)
Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men, New York: Marlowe & Company |
Useful Links |