Children in Charge
Symptoms
Your children seem to be getting their desired result more often than following the initial instruction. There is fuss surrounding most simple daily routines.
Definition
You feel like you're not in charge and there are constant power struggles in the home. Somehow your children are effectively negotiating or coercing the result in their favor. This leaves you feeling like a nag and tension hangs heavy in the house.
Strategy
Pick a small behavior and focus on it. You want drastic change but it really starts with one small consistent change.
Define and agree on compliance and non-compliance of behavior.
Your children seem to be getting their desired result more often than following the initial instruction. There is fuss surrounding most simple daily routines.
Definition
You feel like you're not in charge and there are constant power struggles in the home. Somehow your children are effectively negotiating or coercing the result in their favor. This leaves you feeling like a nag and tension hangs heavy in the house.
Strategy
Pick a small behavior and focus on it. You want drastic change but it really starts with one small consistent change.
Define and agree on compliance and non-compliance of behavior.
ExampleGoing to bed
Getting ready for school
Cleaning up
|
ComplianceIn bed with door closed by specific time
Dressed, bag and lunch packed ready for school by specific time
Items used are replaced where they came from, when asked
|
Non-complianceNot in bed, having a tantrum, any delay tactics
Not dressed, bag not packed, "dragging the chain", any delay tactics
Items left out, resistant to instructions, tantrums, any delay tactics
|
Steps
1) Explain expectation for behavior and why - check in for understanding
2) Measure degree of compliance/non-compliance when behavior takes place (tracking often indicates progress you didn’t think existed)
3) Resist the temptation to negotiate or flex on your expectation because of your own feelings. Stay on track.
4) Let them act out their behavior, remaining consistent with expectation
5) Repeat the process
Challenges
Everyone has some pain from growing up and that to become a healthy adult we eventually need to make decisions based on what we know is right rather than what our old feelings tell us. It is common to experience feelings of guilt, pity, fear and sadness for and about our child if implementing a change strategy. It is natural to want to protect your children, but submission is not protection.
You want drastic change but it really starts with one small consistent change.
2) Measure degree of compliance/non-compliance when behavior takes place (tracking often indicates progress you didn’t think existed)
3) Resist the temptation to negotiate or flex on your expectation because of your own feelings. Stay on track.
4) Let them act out their behavior, remaining consistent with expectation
5) Repeat the process
Challenges
Everyone has some pain from growing up and that to become a healthy adult we eventually need to make decisions based on what we know is right rather than what our old feelings tell us. It is common to experience feelings of guilt, pity, fear and sadness for and about our child if implementing a change strategy. It is natural to want to protect your children, but submission is not protection.
You want drastic change but it really starts with one small consistent change.
REFERENCES
 
Friel, J & L (1999)
The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do, Deerfield Beach: Health Communications |
 
Sylvia Rimm (2008)
Smart Parenting: How to Parent so Children Will Learn, Scottsdale: Great Potential Press |
 
Faber, A & Mazlish, E (1980)
How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk New York: Avon Books |
 
Kuzmeski, M & L (2011)
The Engaging Child: Raising children to speak, write, and have relationship skills beyond technology Grayslake: Red Zone |