COMMUNICATION
Good communication lies at the heart of all healthy relationships. As a father, your way of communicating will shape your children. Communication serves a range of purposes and falls into one of the following categories:
- Verbal
- Non-Verbal
- Written
- Visual
Ultimately, good personal communication shows you are attentive and they are valued. We all know the frustration of not being heard or misunderstood. It can be infuriating. On the flip side, clear and effective communication can be liberating and lead to flourishing.
A great way to improve as a dad is to work on your listening, responding and non-verbal communication skills.
A great way to improve as a dad is to work on your listening, responding and non-verbal communication skills.
Active Listening
Listening shows respect. Listening shows reciprocity. Listeners are in short supply.
It is not always the right time for a conversation. If not, let your child know that you will return to them when you can give your full attention.
The only way to truly understand the needs, interests, fears and concerns of your child is to REALLY listen. Active listening involves demonstrating you are listening - comprehending, retaining and responding to what is being said and NOT GETTING DISTRACTED. All too often in conversations we tend to judge, daydream, butt in or think of what we are going to say next. What do you do most frequently?
When we Actively Listen we;
It requires attentive body language, tuning in to the other person and focusing on what is being said by the way we comprehend, retain and respond. When your child is concerned, through active listening it is possible to identify more clearly the underlying message that is being expressed. This message will always relate to a fundamental need that is or isn't being met. Fundamental needs include the need for physical survival, security, a sense of belonging, to be loved or valued, to have control over one’s life.
Next time you are in a conversation with your child, monitor yourself.
· Are you tuned in for the complete time they are talking?
· Is there any thought commentary going on in your head?
· How are you showing them you are listening?
· What's the underlying message or need being expressed?
It is not always the right time for a conversation. If not, let your child know that you will return to them when you can give your full attention.
The only way to truly understand the needs, interests, fears and concerns of your child is to REALLY listen. Active listening involves demonstrating you are listening - comprehending, retaining and responding to what is being said and NOT GETTING DISTRACTED. All too often in conversations we tend to judge, daydream, butt in or think of what we are going to say next. What do you do most frequently?
When we Actively Listen we;
- Listen through inquiry and asking open-ended questions
- Paraphrase what the other person is saying without agreeing or disagreeing
- Acknowledge and listen for their underlying feelings, and reflect them back
It requires attentive body language, tuning in to the other person and focusing on what is being said by the way we comprehend, retain and respond. When your child is concerned, through active listening it is possible to identify more clearly the underlying message that is being expressed. This message will always relate to a fundamental need that is or isn't being met. Fundamental needs include the need for physical survival, security, a sense of belonging, to be loved or valued, to have control over one’s life.
Next time you are in a conversation with your child, monitor yourself.
· Are you tuned in for the complete time they are talking?
· Is there any thought commentary going on in your head?
· How are you showing them you are listening?
· What's the underlying message or need being expressed?
Empathic Responding
Empathic responding is a vital skill that goes hand in glove with active listening. It means responding in a way where the other person feels valued and heard.
There is a great sense of validation and value that is reinforced for your child when they feel their voice is being heard. Empathic responding does not require agreement, more importantly it requires involvement by acknowledging you hear what is being said.
1. Actively listen with full attention
(Still your mind - stop thinking about work, watching TV, looking around. Make eye contact, facing toward them, nothing in your hands)
2. Acknowledge their feelings in a word/s (eg. “Ok”, “Mmm”, “I see”)
3. Acknowledge their feelings with empathic body language (eg. nod your head, be at eye level)
4. Give their feelings a name by describing what he/she is sharing
“I can see that you are…satisfied/frustrated/excited/hurt.”
“Sounds as if that was…upsetting/wonderful/disappointing/surprising.”
“That must have been…interesting/discouraging/comforting/inspiring.”
5. Give them their wishes in fantasy
“I wish you were able to stay up late.”
“I wish that there wasn’t dog poo on your shoe.”
“I wish I could have been there to share in your success.”
6. Reflect, not judge, what they are telling you to demonstrate you are listening
“Let me check, you are frustrated because you were overlooked for the part.”
“So you were surprised that the test had parts you hadn’t studied?”
“Am I right in thinking, you were excited because it was unexpected?”
There is a great sense of validation and value that is reinforced for your child when they feel their voice is being heard. Empathic responding does not require agreement, more importantly it requires involvement by acknowledging you hear what is being said.
1. Actively listen with full attention
(Still your mind - stop thinking about work, watching TV, looking around. Make eye contact, facing toward them, nothing in your hands)
2. Acknowledge their feelings in a word/s (eg. “Ok”, “Mmm”, “I see”)
3. Acknowledge their feelings with empathic body language (eg. nod your head, be at eye level)
4. Give their feelings a name by describing what he/she is sharing
“I can see that you are…satisfied/frustrated/excited/hurt.”
“Sounds as if that was…upsetting/wonderful/disappointing/surprising.”
“That must have been…interesting/discouraging/comforting/inspiring.”
5. Give them their wishes in fantasy
“I wish you were able to stay up late.”
“I wish that there wasn’t dog poo on your shoe.”
“I wish I could have been there to share in your success.”
6. Reflect, not judge, what they are telling you to demonstrate you are listening
“Let me check, you are frustrated because you were overlooked for the part.”
“So you were surprised that the test had parts you hadn’t studied?”
“Am I right in thinking, you were excited because it was unexpected?”
Non-Verbal Communication
Astoundingly, the amount of information that is conveyed through non-verbal communication has been estimated at as high as 93% (Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages). Safe to say it is somewhere between 60 and 90% depending on the context and relationship of the participants. Non-verbal communication can include movement, posture, position, facial expression, eye contact, tone, touch and the use of space.
All of the messages you send that are non-verbal demonstrate whether you are valuing and engaging with what a person is saying, doing or feeling. When your non-verbal and verbal signals align they increase trust, understanding and rapport. If there is a disconnect between your non-verbal and verbal signals they generate suspicion, tension and confusion.
All of the messages you send that are non-verbal demonstrate whether you are valuing and engaging with what a person is saying, doing or feeling. When your non-verbal and verbal signals align they increase trust, understanding and rapport. If there is a disconnect between your non-verbal and verbal signals they generate suspicion, tension and confusion.
Steps
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1. Model good non-verbal communication
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2. Discuss with your kids what appropriate non-verbal communication looks like and how it can be influenced by the situation and audience.
Use examples of how it can vary between school/home, friends/grandparents, sports event/church, relatives/friends. |
3. Look for times when the non-verbal does not match the verbal (incongruent behaviors) in situations involving your family and others - what, why and when does this happen?
Discuss and question this openly together to uncover meaning and improve it. |
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4. Use non-verbal signals to reinforce and enhance communication. Everyone loves a high-five, a thumbs up (or down) or other ways of communicating.
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5. Be careful not to misread some signals - they too can vary based on situation, audience and often culture. Asking a question to clarify is generally better than making an assumption.
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6. Create an environment that is conducive to the conversation you want - collaborative, cooperative, adversarial, formal, casual etc. The space will often influence the behavior.
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References
 
Faber, A & Mazlish, E (1980)
How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk Avon Books: New York |
 
Albert Mehrabian (2009)
Nonverbal Communication New Brunswick: Aldine Transaction |
Robert Martin (1983)
A Skills and Strategies Handbook for Working With People, Engelwood Cliffs: Prentice-Hall |
 
Gerard Egan (2009)
The Skilled Helper: 9th Edition Belmont: Thomson Higher Education |