CONFLICT
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Conflict is inevitable with your children and will occur for a variety of reasons. Conflict well managed leads to learning and change. The outcomes will depend on the way the conflict is handled;
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Strategic Steps1. Is it the right time/place for managing the conflict?
2. Create a cooperative, rather than competitive setting 3. Use Active Listening to uncover needs and interests 4. Define the problem according to needs not solutions 5. Brainstorm possible solutions which might meet the needs 6. Select solutions and check possible consequences 7. Plan who will do what, where and by when 8. Implement the planned solution. |
Step 1Is it the right time/place for managing the conflict?
Before you begin ask yourself a few vital questions;
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Step 2
Create a cooperative, rather than competitive setting
Establish a cooperative process by modeling it. To transform conflict you need an attitude that is conducive to cooperation (open, honest and respectful). It’s important to move beyond unhelpful thinking that leads to a preoccupation with winning, a lack of listening, the need to prove we are right and being rigid (shuts out creative solutions). Your body language will be critical. Don't stand opposite to each other. Where possible sit or stand facing in a similar direction.
Establish a cooperative process by modeling it. To transform conflict you need an attitude that is conducive to cooperation (open, honest and respectful). It’s important to move beyond unhelpful thinking that leads to a preoccupation with winning, a lack of listening, the need to prove we are right and being rigid (shuts out creative solutions). Your body language will be critical. Don't stand opposite to each other. Where possible sit or stand facing in a similar direction.
Step 3
Use Active Listening to uncover needs and interests
Focus on interests not positions. Interests lie behind positions and are the real issues. Interests are WANTS, NEEDS, FEARS and CONCERNS. Fundamental needs include the need for physical survival, security, a sense of belonging, to be loved or valued, to have control over one’s life.
Use Active listening to get a sense of what is REALLY going on;
Focus on interests not positions. Interests lie behind positions and are the real issues. Interests are WANTS, NEEDS, FEARS and CONCERNS. Fundamental needs include the need for physical survival, security, a sense of belonging, to be loved or valued, to have control over one’s life.
Use Active listening to get a sense of what is REALLY going on;
- Appropriate body language
- Reflecting back content (repeating back their statement)
- Acknowledging feelings/empathy
- Asking open questions
Step 4
Define the problem according to needs not solutions
Men love to ‘fix’ or solve things and we often miss this very important point in the process. It is not ‘fixed’ if the needs are not being met. To be a better dad you must take time to know the needs of your child. “What can we do so that your needs, not wants, are being met?”
Men love to ‘fix’ or solve things and we often miss this very important point in the process. It is not ‘fixed’ if the needs are not being met. To be a better dad you must take time to know the needs of your child. “What can we do so that your needs, not wants, are being met?”
Step 5
Brainstorm possible solutions which might meet the needs
Have each person involved in the conflict come up with a range of possible solutions which might meet their needs and together come up with some options as well. Research shows that the ability of a child to get resolution in an acceptable way relates to the number of solution alternatives a child can think of in a situation. A child who can think of numerous ways to solve a problem displays more socially acceptable behavior than a child who can not.
Encourage breadth.
Have each person involved in the conflict come up with a range of possible solutions which might meet their needs and together come up with some options as well. Research shows that the ability of a child to get resolution in an acceptable way relates to the number of solution alternatives a child can think of in a situation. A child who can think of numerous ways to solve a problem displays more socially acceptable behavior than a child who can not.
Encourage breadth.
Step 6
Select solutions and check possible consequences
Together select an appropriate solution, checking for possible unintended consequences. Pose questions to test and see how possible scenarios may affect the feelings of all parties. If some of the options suggested are not well suited encourage your child to evaluate the ideas rather than judging or telling them yourself. You will not always be there, so the aim is for them to learn these steps now with your support.
Together select an appropriate solution, checking for possible unintended consequences. Pose questions to test and see how possible scenarios may affect the feelings of all parties. If some of the options suggested are not well suited encourage your child to evaluate the ideas rather than judging or telling them yourself. You will not always be there, so the aim is for them to learn these steps now with your support.
Step 7
Plan who will do what, when and where
Lay down a clear plan of action for how the solution will be implemented. It’s important that everyone is clear on their role and the expectations that go with it. If need be display the plan or have a way of ensuring it is top of mind and valued (eg. on the fridge, wall or regular check in).
Lay down a clear plan of action for how the solution will be implemented. It’s important that everyone is clear on their role and the expectations that go with it. If need be display the plan or have a way of ensuring it is top of mind and valued (eg. on the fridge, wall or regular check in).
Step 8
Implement and evaluate the plan
With the plan in place evaluate it regularly see if it is working. Involve your child in this process by checking in to see how they feel it is working for them.
With the plan in place evaluate it regularly see if it is working. Involve your child in this process by checking in to see how they feel it is working for them.
Tip - Assertiveness
It's important to express your views assertively, finding the balance between passivity and aggression. The skill of using 'I' language (statements and messages) rather than judgmental 'you' language is important, when disagreeing without putting down others nor owning your own feelings, view or opinions.
REFERENCES
 
Robert Bolton (1986)
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts, New York: Simon & Schuster |
 
Silberman, M & Hansburg, F (2000)
People Smart: Developing your Personal Intelligence, San Francsico: Berrett & Koehler |
Steve Biddulph (2010)
The New Manhood: The handbook for a new kind of man, Sydney: Finch |
Mnookin, R, Peppet, S
& Tulumello, A (1996) The Tension Between Empathy and Assertiveness, Negotiation Journal, Volume 12, Issue 3, July 1996 |