DISCIPLINE
Everyone has a date with discipline somewhere along the line. Different views on discipline abound and sit somewhere along this spectrum:
AUTHORITY <---------------------------------------------------------> GUIDANCE
As a Dad you want your child to adopt consistent behaviors that are desirable, considerate and productive. For this to happen they will require consistency and clarity. You need to have realistic and appropriate expectations with clearly defined rules and values. You will need to teach them with ongoing demonstration and explanation. This is your role.
When misbehavior occurs you have three choices:
When misbehavior occurs you have three choices:
- Decide that the behavior is not a problem because it's appropriate to the age and stage of development.
- Attempt to stop the behavior, either by ignoring it or introducing a consequence.
- Introduce a new behavior that you prefer and reinforce it through reward.
Punishment
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Punishment is not always everyone’s cup of Mr. T and there are alternatives. All children need to experience consequences for misbehavior. This is not the same as punishment. Punishment can easily create adversarial positioning and give rise to feelings such as hatred, revenge, defiance, guilt, unworthiness and self-pity.
Punishment normally presents itself as an option when a lesson has not been learned and needs to be or you want to make a point. It often occurs when you are at the end of your tether. The reality is that often the punishment becomes a distraction and instead of learning, your child becomes preoccupied with revenge fantasies. Keep focused on what the aim is, learning acceptable behavior. Often the unintended consequence of punishment is the opposite. |
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Consequences
Consequences work best when they are appropriate, relevant and timely. Often natural consequences of behavior along with a verbal explanation can provide an ample lesson. Always remember the purpose is to teach/learn acceptable behavior. Ultimately you want your children as they grow to act based on what they know is right. Draw on your own experiences of times when you learned your most powerful lessons. How did this happen? What sticks in your mind?
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Effective consequences tend to:
A consequence can involve either making your child do something or do without something to stimulate learning. For all children, particularly the recalcitrant, withholding a privilege can involve less of a power struggle than forcing behavior. It's critical that conversations takes place so that a child understands the positive and negative consequences of their behavior. "What did you do?" "How did your actions impact others?" "What will you do differently next time?" |
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Reinforcement & Rewards
Positive reinforcement is another way to encourage desired behaviors. Positive reinforcement can come in the form of praise, affirming body language and rewards. Eventually we all learn that specific behaviors bring about specific outcomes. Ultimately you want your children as they grow to act based on what they know is right.
Change is an incremental process, not an event. Therefore it's important to provide reinforcements and rewards incrementally that are:
Begin by selecting one or two behaviors that you would like to change (eg. going to sleep, being punctual or picking up toys). Be clear about what the expectations are. Identify a reward that your child would value. Often it just may be some form of your attention. Rewards that involve connection and a shared experience can be really healthy for your relationship (eg. an extra bedtime story, an activity together, favourite movie). Other options include free time, delaying bedtime, a preferred snack or, for older children, earning points toward a special something or monetary reward.
Explain clearly how a specific behavior completed in a specific time will result in a specific reward.
"If you are able to be ready for bed, pajamas changed and teeth brushed, by 6.30pm, then you can stay up for an extra half hour."
Make the request only once. If the child complies, then reward them. If not, don't. There is no punishment but there is no reward. Transition statements are helpful to provide signaling when teaching a new behavior. For example, "In 5 minutes, it's time for bed" or "After breakfast, it's time to brush your hair."
Change is an incremental process, not an event. Therefore it's important to provide reinforcements and rewards incrementally that are:
- Consistent and appropriate
- Clearly articulated
- Focused on a specific behavior
Begin by selecting one or two behaviors that you would like to change (eg. going to sleep, being punctual or picking up toys). Be clear about what the expectations are. Identify a reward that your child would value. Often it just may be some form of your attention. Rewards that involve connection and a shared experience can be really healthy for your relationship (eg. an extra bedtime story, an activity together, favourite movie). Other options include free time, delaying bedtime, a preferred snack or, for older children, earning points toward a special something or monetary reward.
Explain clearly how a specific behavior completed in a specific time will result in a specific reward.
"If you are able to be ready for bed, pajamas changed and teeth brushed, by 6.30pm, then you can stay up for an extra half hour."
Make the request only once. If the child complies, then reward them. If not, don't. There is no punishment but there is no reward. Transition statements are helpful to provide signaling when teaching a new behavior. For example, "In 5 minutes, it's time for bed" or "After breakfast, it's time to brush your hair."
References
 
Kazdin, A & Rotella, C (2013)
The Everyday Parenting Toolkit Houghton Mifflin Harcourt: Boston & New York |
 
Faber, A & Mazlish, E (1980)
How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk Avon Books: New York |
 
Bernstein, J (2006)
10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior, Da Capo Press: Cambridge MA |
Useful Links |