Grief & Loss
We all face loss at some point in our lives and with that the need to grieve and mourn. It's easy to misunderstand the significance and depth of grief that a child may experience with loss. What may seem a small loss as an adult - a toy, object, teacher, friend moving - can be a major loss for a child. Recognising and listening for feeling is a really critical skill in order to provide meaningful support.
Often for children a significant loss in the home results in further losses for them. Divorce or death can mean the loss of day-to-day contact with a parent, a new home arrangement, new routines or a blended family. There is no 'perfect' or 'right' way to manage grief and loss but there are approaches that a more effective than others. How you support your child through initial times of loss will make a big difference on how they cope with losses in the future.
Often for children a significant loss in the home results in further losses for them. Divorce or death can mean the loss of day-to-day contact with a parent, a new home arrangement, new routines or a blended family. There is no 'perfect' or 'right' way to manage grief and loss but there are approaches that a more effective than others. How you support your child through initial times of loss will make a big difference on how they cope with losses in the future.
Feelings
These feelings of grief and loss naturally occur at any age. This list can help you recognise and name a feeling that you or your child may be experiencing.
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Anger
Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, there can be anger and resentment. It may be directed at someone or something. There may be a need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you or your child. Shock & disbelief This reaction is highly likely if loss is sudden. Feeling numb is natural when unable to believe loss has really happened. Denying the truth is also a natural coping mechanism. Denial This helps to protect against the emotional pain when comprehending loss. Denial is a natural coping strategy but if it goes on for too long it prevents the person grieving from moving forward. Guilt Guilt can occur based on regret regarding actions. Guilt can also occur as a response to feeling (eg. relief when someone has died). Often children feel guilt for believing they are culpable for the loss. |
Physical Symptoms
Grief and loss can result in physical responses for an emotional process. These physical responses can include fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. Sadness & depression Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. Feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning and deep loneliness are natural. Emotional instability can also lead to frequent crying. Fear & Worry Any kind of loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. Anxiety, helplessness and insecurity can manifest. Death or divorce can present fears of mortality, a lonelier life and increased responsibilities. Acceptance Some can move to the stage of acceptance quicker than others. Although recognising that things are not the same, there emerges a recognition that life goes on. |
Causes
Losing a parent or major caregiver is most distressing for a child. This may happen as a result of death, ilness, divorce or work commitments. Often younger children can be most affected as they don't have the vocabulary or maturity to comprehend and understand the situation. Other grief inducing losses include:
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Strategies
The way children make sense of their world changes as they grow and learn. The experience of loss varies with individual children across ages, cultures, context and the cause. All of these tips rely upon a foundation of active listening and empathic responding. If you ignore underlying feelings, it causes more problems The following strategies and tips are helpful but general. Don't drag your feet if you or your kids need professional help.
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Explanation
Explain simply and clearly what happened based on their age and ability to understand. Avoid detail and let them ask questions so you can understand what they comprehend and need to know. This helps establish openness, your availability and honesty right from the outset. Routine Contrary to what you might think and they might say, routines and discipline provide security. Maintain normal expectations for behaviour and chores to show that life goes on and that during a time of change some things can be relied upon. However, go easy on punishment! Stay calm and be honest Make sure that you control your own aggression and don't tolerate aggression from your children. Acknowledge them, 'I know you are angry that Mum is sick. I am angry too, but we need to help each other.' Be honest when you answer questions, over and over if necessary. |
Name the feeling
Name the feelings for your child - lonely, sad, misunderstood, scared. Acknowledging can help them with statements like ‘It can be scary when someone is sick, are you feeling scared?’ If the response is ‘no’, you can say that if they ever want to talk about any feelings, to just tell you. Be reliable Your children will be anxious so be consistent and reliable. Let them know where you are going and when you'll be back, even if it's only an everyday behaviour (eg shopping, work, cooking dinner). If your child is very young your tone and gestures will reassure. Be on time for pick-ups! Be available Make yourself physically and emotionally available for your children as much as possible. Foster connection. If they need comfort, comfort them. Don't judge whether their distress is valid or not. If they are feeling it, it is real. So too will the words and actions of comfort you provide |
Young children can take things very literally and sometimes jump to the wrong conclusions. Here are some examples of the mixed messages children can get:
› If you say that the person who died went to sleep it may make children afraid to go to bed.
› If you say that Grandpa is in heaven watching over them they may be afraid of being watched, particularly if it is someone they were a little afraid of.
› If you say someone went to the hospital and died it may make them afraid of hospitals and health care.
› If you talk of someone going on a long journey they might wonder why they didn’t get to go too, or ‘If he has gone on a journey, why did he get buried?’
For all of these reasons, it is important to tell children about death simply and truthfully.
REFERENCES
Useful links |