NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
Astoundingly, the amount of information that is conveyed through non-verbal communication has been estimated at as high as 93% (Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages). Safe to say it is somewhere between 60 and 90 % depending on the context and relationship of the participants. Non-verbal communication can include movement, posture, position, facial expression, eye contact, tone, touch and the use of space.
All of the messages you send that are non-verbal demonstrate whether you are valuing and engaging with what a person is saying, doing or feeling. When your non-verbal and verbal signals align they increase trust, understanding and rapport. If there is a disconnect between your non-verbal and verbal signals they generate suspicion, tension and confusion.
All of the messages you send that are non-verbal demonstrate whether you are valuing and engaging with what a person is saying, doing or feeling. When your non-verbal and verbal signals align they increase trust, understanding and rapport. If there is a disconnect between your non-verbal and verbal signals they generate suspicion, tension and confusion.
Non-Verbal Communication Tips1. Model the non-verbal communication you seek
i. Eye contact ii. Posture iii. Tone of voice iv. Gestures v. Body Movement 2. Discuss what appropriate non-verbal communication looks like and how it can be influenced by the context and audience (eg. sporting events, home, school, with friends, with elders). |
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3. Look for incongruent behaviors in yourself and your child/ren - what, why and when does this happen? Discuss and question this openly together to uncover meaning and improve it.
4. Use non-verbal signals to make communication more meaningful. A high-five, thumbs up or hug can work wonders.
5. Be careful not to misread - look at signals as a group that reinforce a point, not just in isolation. Explain
6. Create an environment that is conducive to the conversation you want - collaborative, cooperative, adversarial, formal, casual etc.
4. Use non-verbal signals to make communication more meaningful. A high-five, thumbs up or hug can work wonders.
5. Be careful not to misread - look at signals as a group that reinforce a point, not just in isolation. Explain
6. Create an environment that is conducive to the conversation you want - collaborative, cooperative, adversarial, formal, casual etc.
Some ideas for consideration
Even the playing field!
You are more intimidating than you think sometimes. We underestimate how imposing we can be for those younger than us and how the use of space often represents a power relationship and a form of confrontation. Most formal environments are set up to highlight a power relationship (eg. Office, Boardroom, Dining Room, Court Room). It doesn’t need to be and shouldn’t be the case at home.
At particularly sensitive moments or when a challenging conversation needs to take place create an environment that is conducive to sharing. As with any being, when you feel hemmed or closed in your anxiety levels increase which inhibit your capacity to relax and respond rationally. Create environments that make sharing easier where your child feels relaxed and is free from distraction.
Avoid adversarial positions
Avoid sitting opposite to have a one-on-one talk, try conversing on the diagonal or when you are next to each other facing the same way. This will work when walking, driving in a car or sitting looking at a view. The body position is less confronting and suggests you are moving together.
Demonstrate sharing
All mis/behavior is an attempt to communicate something. Misbehavior can often be boiled down to two words: “Reach me.” Find a wordless activity that requires silent sharing – go for a walk, a run, draw, weed the garden, play cards, start a jigsaw etc. Enable a physical demonstration of your connection. Your chances then of finding a way to 'reach' your child will be increased.
Frustrated Boys
A good tool, often used with boys when frustrated, is to find a park or open space and walk together bouncing a (tennis) ball between you or throwing it to each other. This involves moving in step, physically sharing before even a word is spoken.
You are more intimidating than you think sometimes. We underestimate how imposing we can be for those younger than us and how the use of space often represents a power relationship and a form of confrontation. Most formal environments are set up to highlight a power relationship (eg. Office, Boardroom, Dining Room, Court Room). It doesn’t need to be and shouldn’t be the case at home.
At particularly sensitive moments or when a challenging conversation needs to take place create an environment that is conducive to sharing. As with any being, when you feel hemmed or closed in your anxiety levels increase which inhibit your capacity to relax and respond rationally. Create environments that make sharing easier where your child feels relaxed and is free from distraction.
Avoid adversarial positions
Avoid sitting opposite to have a one-on-one talk, try conversing on the diagonal or when you are next to each other facing the same way. This will work when walking, driving in a car or sitting looking at a view. The body position is less confronting and suggests you are moving together.
Demonstrate sharing
All mis/behavior is an attempt to communicate something. Misbehavior can often be boiled down to two words: “Reach me.” Find a wordless activity that requires silent sharing – go for a walk, a run, draw, weed the garden, play cards, start a jigsaw etc. Enable a physical demonstration of your connection. Your chances then of finding a way to 'reach' your child will be increased.
Frustrated Boys
A good tool, often used with boys when frustrated, is to find a park or open space and walk together bouncing a (tennis) ball between you or throwing it to each other. This involves moving in step, physically sharing before even a word is spoken.
References
Robert Martin (1983)
A Skills and Strategies Handbook for Working With People, Engelwood Cliffs: Prentice-Hall |
 
Gerard Egan (2009)
The Skilled Helper: 9th Edition Belmont: Thomson Higher Education |
 
Robert Bolton (1986)
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts, New York: Simon & Schuster |
 
Albert Mehrabian (2009)
Nonverbal Communication New Brunswick: Aldine Transaction |
Useful links |