PUTTING YOUR MARRIAGE LAST
Symptom
Are all family activities centred around the needs of the children?
Definitions
It's common for parents, for a range of reasons, to over-focus on their children and under nourish their marriage. Years can go by where parents don't get away overnight without their children. Often the thought of heading away can induce guilt for new parents, yet it's an important stretch for both parents and children. A relationship with an external focus will eventually wither. Therefore it is very important to remain connected and take the time to nurture and nourish the love of your mate. Child-centred families make neither healthy parents nor healthy children.”
Strategy
If you are identifying this as a problem, then you have already begun. Look at your relationship – strengths and weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams. Forget the invisible rules that say, “You are not a nice person if you share your real feelings with your spouse,” or “If you talk about these difficult things, it will ruin your marriage.” Let the tears of relief flow along with the hurt, anger, loneliness, fear and joy. Sit down together and figure out how and when you will make time for your marriage. Some suggestions include;
· Taking a small bit of time each day, if only for a few minutes, to really talk
· Set aside at least an evening or lunch per week for a date
· At a bare minimum, take one vacation each year that does not include the kids
· Find competent, quality baby-sitters for children of various ages
Challenges
Reducing your involvement with your kids can bring on intense guilt. It’s important to talk about it. These behaviors frequently come from unconscious habit shaped by our perception of what we ‘should do.’ Children still need a highly involved Dad but they also need to see a father who models love, respect and affection for their mother by dedicating time to honor that relationship.
Are all family activities centred around the needs of the children?
Definitions
It's common for parents, for a range of reasons, to over-focus on their children and under nourish their marriage. Years can go by where parents don't get away overnight without their children. Often the thought of heading away can induce guilt for new parents, yet it's an important stretch for both parents and children. A relationship with an external focus will eventually wither. Therefore it is very important to remain connected and take the time to nurture and nourish the love of your mate. Child-centred families make neither healthy parents nor healthy children.”
Strategy
If you are identifying this as a problem, then you have already begun. Look at your relationship – strengths and weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams. Forget the invisible rules that say, “You are not a nice person if you share your real feelings with your spouse,” or “If you talk about these difficult things, it will ruin your marriage.” Let the tears of relief flow along with the hurt, anger, loneliness, fear and joy. Sit down together and figure out how and when you will make time for your marriage. Some suggestions include;
· Taking a small bit of time each day, if only for a few minutes, to really talk
· Set aside at least an evening or lunch per week for a date
· At a bare minimum, take one vacation each year that does not include the kids
· Find competent, quality baby-sitters for children of various ages
Challenges
Reducing your involvement with your kids can bring on intense guilt. It’s important to talk about it. These behaviors frequently come from unconscious habit shaped by our perception of what we ‘should do.’ Children still need a highly involved Dad but they also need to see a father who models love, respect and affection for their mother by dedicating time to honor that relationship.
References
 
Sylvia Rimm (2008)
Smart Parenting: How to Parent so Children Will Learn, Scottsdale: Great Potential Press |
 
Friel, J & Friel, L (1999)
The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do, Deerfield Beach: Health Communications |
 
David Schnarch (1997)
Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, New York: W. W. Norton |
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