RAISING A CHILD THAT IS NOT YOURS
Fatherhood is hard. Raising a child that’s not yours (step, adopted, foster, grandchild) can be even harder. It can feel like you get all the responsibility with none of the authority. Even worse, sometimes it feels like you have to keep giving (love, time, respect, money) when you get nothing in return. It may feel that way but it can change and will change if you adjust your thinking and follow these strategies.
Strategic Steps1) Model what you seek
2) Know your role 3) Play your role 4) Don’t get distracted 5) Building Connection 6) Dealing with -“You’re not my Dad! I don’t have to listen to what you say!” |
Model what you seek
It always starts here with any relationship. You have to display the behavior you seek in others. This does not mean being submissive whilst being abused but it means seeking understanding, being compassionate, respectful and controlled. Consciously and unconsciously you are being watched by this child. Be consistent in displaying empathy AND trying to understand where they are coming from. Try and laugh, play and share time together whenever possible.
Know your role
Problems arise when we are unclear of what is expected of us. Have a clear conversation with your partner about your responsibilities and the expectations that go with it. Once this is agreed have a discussion with the children about everyone’s role. Address the elephant in the room highlighting that change is challenging and it won’t always be easy. Also, explain that you are not a replacement for their parent but someone who cares for them and will play a role in their life.
Play your role
Having established the boundaries and expectations of your role you need to live it. Keep checking in with your partner or trusted other to see that you are on track or whether adjustments need to be made. Children can be painfully honest. If you are receiving feedback from them, ask further questions to understand exactly what they mean (eg. “What makes you say that?”). Look beyond the (possibly derogatory) language to identify more clearly the needs that are being expressed. Fundamental needs include the need for physical survival, security, a sense of belonging, to be loved or valued, to have control over one’s life. If they have experienced big changes then they will be fearful. Your role is to understand their real needs (not respond to their behavior) and change their thinking through consistent non-threatening reassurance.
Don’t get distracted
Make sure the boundaries are clear for them and clear for you. Clear boundaries provide security and structure. Children are hard-wired to test boundaries. They also have a lot of energy so locking horns can be very tiring and it’s likely they’ll win, robbing you of valuable energy you could be expending more positively. Avoid petty power struggles and highlight that they have choices and their choices will influence their consequences. Boundaries are not designed for the sake of punishing but for the sake of flourishing. Remind them and yourself of this daily.
Building Connection
Developing a relationship with a child that is not yours follows the same steps as if it was. They may have a little more residual fear based on the unique circumstances surrounding how you entered their life, so it's likely to require more effort.
“You’re not my Dad! I don’t have to listen to what you say!”
You will hear this at some stage and it will hurt. You will be tempted to respond with something unhelpful but resist. When a child says “You’re not my dad,” they are attempting to take power from you. Focus on your role as caretaker. That means you should remind them of the boundaries and rules of the house. Avoid a power struggle, don’t get drawn into the fight. Calmly state what your role is and what the rules are. It’s very important that you verbalize no judgments about their biological parents or them. Judgments will only lead to more anger and resentment, which will lead to more power struggles. Our anger management strategies are also helpful.