REFRAMING
Reframing involves changing the way you think and respond to your child. more effectively depending on their concern or need. Common techniques involve 'Acknowledging the feeling', 'Listening for the unmet need' and 'Empathic responding.'
Often when a child expresses a certain frustration or concern verbally or non-verbally we tend to respond to the behavior and not seek to clearly know the cause. Reading the cause can become clearer if we apply the above techniques. In each technique there is a need to:
Often when a child expresses a certain frustration or concern verbally or non-verbally we tend to respond to the behavior and not seek to clearly know the cause. Reading the cause can become clearer if we apply the above techniques. In each technique there is a need to:
- Acknowledge the reality of the other person's feelings
- Listen for the underlying need that is not being met
Acknowledging feelings
As men we want to solve things, quickly! Often this is not helpful. The quickest way to help your child (or wife) when they are expressing emotion is to acknowledge their feelings. Don’t try and judge or solve their problem, communicate understanding by acknowledging their feeling. This requires certain skills and using specific language.
Skills
Proportionally Participate
Don’t minimize of magnify a situation but meet the excitement, solemnity or distress that is being displayed. Allow feeling to be expressed and resist the temptation to DENY, JUDGE or SOLVE the problem.
Actively Listen
Show you are listening with appropriate body language. Listen for what feeling is being expressed underneath the words (eg. Anger, frustration, fear, reluctance etc.). Don’t DENY, JUDGE or SOLVE the problem.
Empathically Respond
Show you are listening and involved in what is being said by non-verbal (nod head, eye contact) and verbal (‘Ok’, ‘I see’, ‘Mmmm.’) encouragers. Don’t DENY, JUDGE or SOLVE the problem.
Don’t minimize of magnify a situation but meet the excitement, solemnity or distress that is being displayed. Allow feeling to be expressed and resist the temptation to DENY, JUDGE or SOLVE the problem.
Actively Listen
Show you are listening with appropriate body language. Listen for what feeling is being expressed underneath the words (eg. Anger, frustration, fear, reluctance etc.). Don’t DENY, JUDGE or SOLVE the problem.
Empathically Respond
Show you are listening and involved in what is being said by non-verbal (nod head, eye contact) and verbal (‘Ok’, ‘I see’, ‘Mmmm.’) encouragers. Don’t DENY, JUDGE or SOLVE the problem.
Language
Label the feeling. Verbally demonstrate you understand how they are feeling.
“I can see that you are…excited / sad / angry / worried etc.”
“You feel …ignored / frustrated / irritated etc.”
Pinpoint what’s going on. Clarify / State the reason for the feeling.
“Are you sad because you have to go to bed now?”
“You are frustrated because you don’t want to leave the party.”
Give them their wish in fantasy. Show that you understand what they want (but it can’t happen).
“If I could, I’d wish that you and I could stay up all night.”
“If I had a magic wand, I’d make it so this party never ended.
People will persevere longer if they are told something is difficult as opposed to easy.
Don't Say - “It’s not hard to walk away when someone is teasing you.”
Do Say - “It can be really difficult to walk away, it shows strength.”
Don't Say - “It’s not hard to learn your times tables.”
Do Say - “Learning tables can be difficult, with practice you’ll get there.
“I can see that you are…excited / sad / angry / worried etc.”
“You feel …ignored / frustrated / irritated etc.”
Pinpoint what’s going on. Clarify / State the reason for the feeling.
“Are you sad because you have to go to bed now?”
“You are frustrated because you don’t want to leave the party.”
Give them their wish in fantasy. Show that you understand what they want (but it can’t happen).
“If I could, I’d wish that you and I could stay up all night.”
“If I had a magic wand, I’d make it so this party never ended.
People will persevere longer if they are told something is difficult as opposed to easy.
Don't Say - “It’s not hard to walk away when someone is teasing you.”
Do Say - “It can be really difficult to walk away, it shows strength.”
Don't Say - “It’s not hard to learn your times tables.”
Do Say - “Learning tables can be difficult, with practice you’ll get there.
Tip
Sometimes nothing needs to be said (eg. listen, hug, nod) to show that you understand. Don’t underestimate non-verbal demonstrations of empathy.
For more in depth strategies on this and other topics, check out the membership page.
References
 
Faber, A & Mazlish, E (1980)
How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk Avon Books: New York |
 
Rubin, G (2009)
The Happiness Project Harper Collins: New York |
 
Gerard Egan (2009)
The Skilled Helper: 9th Edition Belmont: Thomson Higher Education |
Useful links |