SOLVING THEIR PROBLEMS
Symptoms
Have you been solving your children's problems?
Do you clean up after their mistakes?
Do they now expect you to fix their mistakes?
Definition
In doing things for your children you are “infantilizing” them. This can mean you have children still living with you into their mid to late twenties or a four-year-old who can’t delay gratification or a child who is unwilling to take the risks needed to make good friends outside of the home. Children are supposed to achieve certain developmental milestones. Erikson’s theory provides a good general map.
Strategy
Let them fix it.
Let them face it.
Let them experience delayed gratification.
Let the tears do the healing.
Don’t bail them out.
Model how to solve problems.
Challenges
It's natural for you to have some pain from growing up. In becoming a healthy adult eventually our decisions need to be grounded in what we know is right rather than responding to old feelings. It is common to experience feelings of guilt, pity, fear and sadness for and about our child if implementing a change strategy. It is natural to want to protect them. Clearly understand that protecting them is best done by guiding and supporting them to solve their own problems and mistakes.
Have you been solving your children's problems?
Do you clean up after their mistakes?
Do they now expect you to fix their mistakes?
Definition
In doing things for your children you are “infantilizing” them. This can mean you have children still living with you into their mid to late twenties or a four-year-old who can’t delay gratification or a child who is unwilling to take the risks needed to make good friends outside of the home. Children are supposed to achieve certain developmental milestones. Erikson’s theory provides a good general map.
Strategy
Let them fix it.
Let them face it.
Let them experience delayed gratification.
Let the tears do the healing.
Don’t bail them out.
Model how to solve problems.
Challenges
It's natural for you to have some pain from growing up. In becoming a healthy adult eventually our decisions need to be grounded in what we know is right rather than responding to old feelings. It is common to experience feelings of guilt, pity, fear and sadness for and about our child if implementing a change strategy. It is natural to want to protect them. Clearly understand that protecting them is best done by guiding and supporting them to solve their own problems and mistakes.
References
 
Daniel Goleman (1995)
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, New York: Bantam |
 
Sylvia Rimm (2008)
Smart Parenting: How to Parent so Children Will Learn, Scottsdale: Great Potential Press |
 
Friel, J. and Friel, L. (1999)
The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do, Deerfield Beach: Health Communications |
