TEEN YEARS - 10 tips |
Misunderstood positions and motivations lie at the |
The teen years are event filled for all concerned. You will learn as much about yourself as you will your teen. Your teen will need support but often won’t know how to express it, so will you. Here are some tips to assist you;
1. Model.
You must model the behavior you seek in your teen. This does not mean being perfect but it means that you must take the lead and initiate behaviors that demonstrate interest, love and care. Take the time to uncover what they are feeling or reveal and explain why you have a certain viewpoint. Misunderstood positions and motivations lie at the heart of so much teenage and parent conflict. Take time to clarify ‘what’s happening’ and demonstrate how to navigate moments of challenge. On the flip side model how to relax and enjoy life whenever you can.
2. Talk.
Use open questions and active listening to have frequent conversations with your teen. Believe it or not, your teens do want to communicate with you, not just when something has gone wrong. Research shows they want to stay connected with their Dads, so reciprocate by ‘walking in their shoes’. Take the time to demonstrate you are both on their side and level by talking about subjects and events that are important to them. Be informed and armed with information about their lives by attending events at school, knowing what matters to them (music, art, games, environment etc.) and sharing experiences that give you something to talk about.
3. Love.
Tell them often that you love them. You don’t scream it out at the bus stop in front of their friends but make sure you tell them and they know, through demonstration, that you love them. Even if they don't act like it, your teens want and need to hear it. Telling them and showing them is important. Hug your teen. If it initially feels awkward, that’s ok. Awkward often means you are growing too as you’re out of your comfort zone. Soon it will prove to be the most natural and beautiful feeling you could have.
4. Friends.
Always make an effort with the friends of your teen. Show a genuine interest in their lives and make them feel welcome and comfortable in your home and the company of your family. Occasionally host activities, events or meals so that your teen and their friends can feel relaxed and connected to your home. These friends will play a big role in shaping the world of your teen. Having a strong relationship with these friends can only positively influence your relationship with your teen.
1. Model.
You must model the behavior you seek in your teen. This does not mean being perfect but it means that you must take the lead and initiate behaviors that demonstrate interest, love and care. Take the time to uncover what they are feeling or reveal and explain why you have a certain viewpoint. Misunderstood positions and motivations lie at the heart of so much teenage and parent conflict. Take time to clarify ‘what’s happening’ and demonstrate how to navigate moments of challenge. On the flip side model how to relax and enjoy life whenever you can.
2. Talk.
Use open questions and active listening to have frequent conversations with your teen. Believe it or not, your teens do want to communicate with you, not just when something has gone wrong. Research shows they want to stay connected with their Dads, so reciprocate by ‘walking in their shoes’. Take the time to demonstrate you are both on their side and level by talking about subjects and events that are important to them. Be informed and armed with information about their lives by attending events at school, knowing what matters to them (music, art, games, environment etc.) and sharing experiences that give you something to talk about.
3. Love.
Tell them often that you love them. You don’t scream it out at the bus stop in front of their friends but make sure you tell them and they know, through demonstration, that you love them. Even if they don't act like it, your teens want and need to hear it. Telling them and showing them is important. Hug your teen. If it initially feels awkward, that’s ok. Awkward often means you are growing too as you’re out of your comfort zone. Soon it will prove to be the most natural and beautiful feeling you could have.
4. Friends.
Always make an effort with the friends of your teen. Show a genuine interest in their lives and make them feel welcome and comfortable in your home and the company of your family. Occasionally host activities, events or meals so that your teen and their friends can feel relaxed and connected to your home. These friends will play a big role in shaping the world of your teen. Having a strong relationship with these friends can only positively influence your relationship with your teen.
5. Community communication.
Positive community relationships and open communication are important in building a safe and positive environment for your teen. Having open lines of communication with parents of your teen’s friends and teachers is healthy and has reciprocal benefits for all. Share and help other parents by conveying and demonstrating your interest in their children. Promote positive behavior and discussion with parents and teachers. Having a connected community network shows your teen that you care about them and their world. It also reminds them that they can’t get away with too much!!
6. Choices.
It’s important that your teen makes their own choices and understands and experiences the consequences, both good and bad. This doesn’t mean free reign but it does mean letting them create and solve their own problems. Be available to talk about their strategy and guide them through the questions they need to be asking. You will not always be there for them, so rather than solve their problems equip with the tools to face and navigate them honorably and effectively.
7. Non-negotiables.
Every household and relationship needs non-negotiable behavior and expectations. Every family and father is different as to what these might be. However, it is important that some things – certain language, behavior, family rituals (birthdays, dinners etc.) – are not negotiable. It is important that your teen knows that some things will always be valued no matter the changes going on their lives. It also a way of showing that their behavior really matters to you and your family.
8. Technology.
Your teen uses technology in ways you do not appreciate or understand. They use technology to create, design, experience and connect in powerful ways. Gaming and social networking can and does lead to powerful learning and the forging of valuable friendships for teens. Don’t let your limited understanding shape what technology is for them. Ask questions and let them teach you how technology helps them engage with, and escape from, their world.
9. Empathy.
Share stories with your teen about when you made mistakes. Don’t give them a blueprint for poor behavior but give them real examples of how and why you can sometimes understand how hard it is to be a teen. Teens often think no one understands them. Surprising them with stories from when you were less than perfect can go a long way to forging trust, respect and mutual empathy. Don’t glorify your poor behavior, let them know how the choices you made had an impact on yourself and others.
10. Encouragement.
Your teen is a unique human being with positive personal characteristics. Help them to look through the lens of their character strengths. Don’t praise them for a job poorly done. Praise and encourage them when their effort or action warrants it. Your teen will respond to and need your encouragement. Lift them up, when they are down and give it to them. Keep them up, when they are up and give it to them. Pull them up, when they need it but still give it to them. Encourage them to be the best person they can be with what they have. This will encourage you to do the same.